Recently, a flaw of mine has been exposed. I have realized that I often cling desperately to validation and encouragement from other people, when I write or speak. It can be very vulnerable to put oneself out there with a post or a message, so it makes sense to be seeking affirmation afterwards from one’s community.
But.
In becoming aware of this, I have also become aware that I can’t rely on that type of affirmation, because it won’t always be there. I need to be able to keep writing, and speaking, and working, even if no one is telling me that I should. Because God has told me that I should. Instead of relying on people, I need to be able to rely on God for the encouragement and affirmation that I need. And this is what God is teaching me right now.
It’s not a super fun lesson, but it is important. Critical, even. So despite the un-fun-ness of it now, I do appreciate that God is preparing me for what lies ahead by spending time teaching me this lesson.
The first time I realized I was learning this lesson, recently, was when I spoke in front of a large group of youth.
Now, I love youth – I lead a group of Senior High girls who are very dear to me. God has given me a passion for that age group (more about that in another post). But, as awesome as they are – emotive they are not, during a group session. You see the yawns, you see the glazed over eyes; they’re like if a brick wall could look bored.
In that case, I did feel good about the content of my message, and I did actually get some positive feedback afterwards about one of the illustrations I used. But I still felt bad about it. Once I started talking that out, I realized that God was teaching me, that even if I didn’t feel like anything sunk in from what I was saying, it didn’t matter because of two things.
It’s God’s job, not my job, to make it connect. Not that I don’t prepare or research – I give my best for the Holy Spirit to work with, but I’m not the one responsible for whether the Word comes back void or not. (Hint: it doesn’t).
Even if no one actually learns anything from it, I learned something because I stepped out in obedience. I mean, I think God is a little bit of a better multitasker than that, but when it comes down to it – if no one learned anything from the experience but me, it was still worth it from God’s perspective.
Ok, so lesson identified. But not quite learned yet. Round two. I write some blog posts that nobody reads. Ouch, my ego is wounded yet again. I start saying things like, “maybe I have nothing worthwhile to say.” To which my husband promptly responds, “yeah, that’s definitely the enemy talking.” *Sigh.* Regroup.
So if it’s not that my writing is worthless, what is it? Oh, maybe it’s preparation for the many times to come when I’ll be putting content out there that I care deeply about and nobody gives a crap. Or even worse – someone disagrees!
Like many other jobs, I may toil away in complete obscurity for, well, forever, but the act of writing is my obedience to God. By writing I am drawing closer to him, I am creating an archive of my journey of growth with him, and I am doing what he created me to do. By writing these things and publishing them, I am giving him the opportunity to use what he is teaching me to connect with someone else, or even just to connect with me. This is our thing. We sow the seeds and some grow and some don’t, but that’s not part of my job – my part is the sowing. And I need to keep doing it regardless of the fact that I don’t get to see the rest of the growth season. Someone else has that privilege. And maybe that person is sitting there, discouraged that they don’t get to see the seed part!
Round three came in quick succession to round two. Youth retreat. I led a break-out session on listening to God’s voice. I prepared the content based on an old blog post I had written, combined with session notes from a Listening Prayer workshop at seminary.
I felt all right about the content, but expectant that God would have to show up. The session was populated entirely with Junior High kids – the scariest of all youthkind. I left the session feeling like, not only did the kids not seem to connect with what I was saying, but what I was saying itself kind of sucked. I should have practiced the delivery more and smoothed over the transitions better… I should have done another overall edit to make sure it actually made sense. But I didn’t. And I left feeling like a bozo.
This is where I got my third lesson, still very much in line with the others. Even if what I say sucks, God can still use it. I may not see it (I may not see it even if what I said was awesome), but someday ten years from now, a little tidbit from that talk may come back up to mind for someone who was there that day. Maybe it will connect with something new they’ve just heard. Or maybe it will just finally be the right time for it to sink in. Maybe ten more people will have planted the same seed in them, and finally in that moment it takes root. Not only because what that tenth person said, but also because of what me and the eight others said that just barely softened the ground for it.
So. The moral of the story. Honestly, I think I’m going to have to keep learning this lesson a few, several, more times before it will really sink in. Which, I’m not super happy about. But, I’m on the road. And when I’m learning that lesson again for the umpteenth time, I can revisit this post and remember.
I need to rely on God for my encouragement and affirmation, not on people. People won’t always be there to give it, and God is the one who matters anyway.
My job is to sow the seed. God’s job is to make it grow. I do my best with what God has tasked me, but need to avoid shouldering responsibilities that actually belong to God.
My obedience is, in itself, fruitful. Even if nothing else grows, or if I don’t get to see that part.
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